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CONDOM HUMOR

Joke

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

Limericks

COVER YOUR STUMP, BEFORE YOU HUMP.
BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WACKER.
DON'T BE SILLY PROTECT YOUR WILLIE.
BEFORE YOU BLAST HER, GUARD YOUR BUSHMASTER.
DON'T BE A LONER. COVER YOUR BONER.
WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT.
YOU CAN'T GO WRONG, IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG.
IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WACK IT.
IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY.
BEFORE YOU BAG HER, SHEATH YOU DAGGER.
IT'LL BE SWEETER, IF YOU COVER YOUR PETER.
IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN THIGHS, BE SURE YOU CONDOMIZE.
TO SAVE EMBARRASSMENT LATER, COVER YOUR ALLIGATOR.
SHE WON'T GET SICK, IF YOU CAP YOUR DICK.
IF YOU GO INTO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT.
WHILE YOU ARE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS THAT PENIS.
WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS 'N' BLOUSE, SUIT UP TROUSER MOUSE.
NEVER DECK HER, WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER.
ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER.
BEFO' DA VAN START ROCKIN', BE SHO' YO' COCKS GOT A STOCKIN'.
DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL.
THE RIGHT SELECTION IS TO SACK THAT ERECTION.
WRAP IT IN FOIL, BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL.
A CRANK WITH ARMOR, WILL NEVER HARM HER.
IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER, WEAR A COVER.
DON'T MAKE A MISTAKE, COVER YOUR SNAKE.
IF YOU CAN'T SHIELD YOUR ROCKET, LEAVE IT IN YOUR POCKET.
REMEMBER ALWAYS:NO GLOVE, NO LOVE.

History Humorus Version

Most historians believe that Roman soldiers were the first people to use condoms. While fraternizing with local women on long marches away from Rome, the soldiers used dried sheep intestines as sheaths for protecting themselves against disease, the most notorious of which was the "Mount Vesuvius Rash."

With the fall of the Roman Empire, however, the use of condoms became rare. In fact, condom technology was nearly lost forever during the Middle Ages. The condom was then "re-invented" by the Marquis De Sade in 17th century France, when the Marquis wrapped a strip of bacon around his penis before he sodomized live chickens.

Early versions of the condom were not very effective, as Benjamin Franklin produced 53 illegitimate children during his illustrious and prolific career as a founding father of the United States of America.

The first modern adaptation of the condom was developed in 1921, when a factory worker in Akron, OH, Alfred Trojan, accidentally dunked his erect penis into a vat of vulcanized rubber. His condom empire now consists of $50 million in sales to over 40 countries around the world, but his once-proud penis was reduced to a blackened, shriveled twig.

Today, the condom is used as not only a method of birth control, but also as an effective means for preventing the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, most notably the deadly AIDS virus.

The Sheath File
The Sheath File is the world's largest collection of synonyms for the word "condom."

The Condom Manual
A condom manual for UNIX users.

How to use a condom after the age of 50

Take notes on how to use a condom

My dad didnt use a condom and all I got was this shitty life

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